I haven’t written anything for so long I’ve rewound events of the past weeks and felt like I’ve wasted my time. It’s not definitely a good way to start the year, but when you’re feeling something’s amiss I think it’s better to take a pause and reflect on it.
2013 was a challenge for me. I remember starting it with a goal set for April–graduation day, that is. Normally, I would have made goals for each month till December, but I settled with just April. I was so focused on April that I had nothing clearly thought out for the rest of the year. Or at least I had made vague plans. In the end, the past year went by with me trying to get a hold of my sane thoughts so as not to go on feeling unhappy.
I hate being extremely sad and second guessing everything around me, even my own self.
For 2013 and for the rest of my life, I would be forever grateful for the support my friends have given me. Those who knew what I was going through, knew half of it, knew nothing of it. Especially my angel J. She’s my life saver. At a point where I was on the brink of giving up, thinking I was only meant to do school and nothing more, she gave a stern scolding. It’s not advisable to do that to someone as depressed as I am, but sometimes I guess it would turn your ship towards calmer breeze.
Sis M, who just had a major heartbreak and chose me as confidant. The last time we saw each other was back in 2008; to get in touch like that was really something. I’m not one to turn down any of my friends. And when she needed someone to talk to, just hear her out, calm her or anything, I set aside all the crap in my life and made room for hers. She didn’t deserve to be in my crappy ground after not having seen nor talked for almost 5 years. It was also my way of escaping.
Funny, I chose someone else’s sadness to solve over mine. Good thing though, she bounced back on her feet and found love in the arms of a gentleman.
Then there’s grown up D. We’re one year apart, and live far apart..miles apart..four hours flight. Yet, she never fails to entertain me with her thoughts. It’s good to have a friend whom you can just chat for hours about anything under the sun, be it politics, finance or music. Light talk. Nothing very technical, although we both could, but I doubt it would be that much fun. Enlightening yes, but being stressed out all through the day calls for some light chat. Also another refuge for me.
I will never forget 2013.
2014 can’t be the same.
So I have decided to swim my way out of this cold dark mesh. Not easy, but I tried. I’m still far from saving myself, but at least I feel I’m on my way. Something has got to change;this should start within me; i should start it. No one else can save me from my thoughts but me. Finally, no more egging on one path. And no more turning down or passing up opportunities. (I am seriously disappointing the 9 year old me.)
I am as confused as hell, but it’s good to be confused. Gives you a chance to explore all the options in front of you.
The plan I used to kid my friends with a couple of years back settled like a leaf falling to the ground. My gap months turned into a gap year. Lesson learned, I shouldn’t joke with plans nor with my thoughts. Heck, maybe I should do away with plans! (Now,that’s a plan. To do away with plans. )
I must try to live this year. I’v existed for quite a while I forgot how it feels like to actually live. Existing made me scared of what tomorrow could bring. I must be brave. This year, I’m going to start anew and live according to my own terms. I won’t let anyone use, abuse or control me in any way. I will be stronger. I will take it all in with optimism, like I used to do. I’m going to start all over again, pick up the broken pieces. I must try harder.
I’m going to own it!