“Carry on, even if you’re not so sure now of what you’re doing. God moves in mysterious ways, and sometimes the path only reveals itself once you start walking it.”
♣ Olivia, The Winner Stands Alone, Paulo Coelho
It was the summer of my sophomore year when my sister left for college. I do remember feeling indifferent about it. A few days later, for the first time in my life, I missed someone. It was also that summer when I decided to leave for the same college..far from this island, from home. The idea of leaving the place I grew up in occurred to me as the crucial step in my pursuit for happiness. Little did I know I was actually referring to what I now realized as freedom and solitude, which can be found in just about any place so long as one has guts and right state of mind.
Whenever I ask myself how I ended up back here (yes,indeed I left and have now returned), I return to the last week of March. I was facing an unwanted crossroad back then. Like a devil’s pitchfork, to me it held peril and rewarded satisfaction. A decision to continue living as a modern woman was very much appealing, but I felt the need for a pause if I were to take that road. Living independently was starting to wear me out. Going back home seemed perfect at that moment of reverie and so a one-way ticket was booked under my name.
The question of being satisfied or not should really be the last thing to think of considering I had reasons for the decision and have no room for regrets. I know myself only too well to run away from facing the truth. But to avoid questions is to stop myself from learning. Whenever I wonder what exactly am I here for, there is that heavy (almost nauseous) feeling deep in my heart and a looming dark thought in my head. I believe things happen for a reason, but just how many times have I stepped away from an opportunity of conquering the seas and going beyond what my country could offer?
Last year, around the end of my first semester, I backed away from a scholarship I was determined and confident to have. Europe, finally! I’ve known about it for months, and for months I’ve waited for something like it. The chance was like heaven’s answer to all my desires of visiting Italy and witnessing its magic. Never did I see myself turning away from it just like that months prior to the consultation. I didn’t think tiny details could eventually come out in the wash. I ended up assuming and concluding on my own, when I could have confided with a person most qualified to deal with the matter.
As if life could be any more generous to someone like me, I found myself face to face with application forms at the start of this year. The files would have definitely taken me somewhere, if not, my experience. I wanted to have it out of pure child’s whim. That reason was definitely not good enough, and perhaps that was why I didn’t send them. There always was something more important to deal with. There always was some other hour for it. There always was something to convince me of putting the files aside. Momentum was always never there.
All the same recently. In fact, I could still make it happen, but I choose to write my thoughts away in this entry. Another opportunity of taking me further away and letting me pursue my passion for teaching is in my path, yet I ignore it just like how I took no notice of weeds when I walk. And as always, there are nonsensical reasons for me to look away–a safer pasture, a less troubled thought, a peaceful future encounter with loved ones and a bank account left intact. All these in exchange for something I can only imagine. I know they are nonsensical, but at times, I find comfort in things that don’t make sense. Will I come to regret it? Of course. I have already felt regret the moment I saw it.
I have since consoled myself with the possibility of seeing another opportunity in the months or years to come. I’ve held back so many times at various occasions, and it is high time to put to rest the comforting thoughts I made up. Life is fleeting and so is hope. To this day, I remain unsure as to why I’m still here, but perhaps I’m just right where I ought to be. I realize I’m not strong enough, and knowing this gives me a mixture of pain and joy. I don’t have enough will to turn my dreams into reality. At least, not yet. I don’t think I’m already capable of growing wings, but I’d like to believe that I am. Before I learn how to fly, I first must master the art of walking, hoping that every step would eventually take me to where I’m destined to be.
Border Image: MeinLilaPark